If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
