Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
