I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
