the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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