I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
