Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
