I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize