My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
