My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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