my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize