You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize