Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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