I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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