the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
