I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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