I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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