Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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