Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
