I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
