Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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