just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
