the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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