forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
