seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize