roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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