you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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