then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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