im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
