i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize