I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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