My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
