first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
