no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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