You really coming over, don't trick.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
