"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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