you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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