I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
