He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
