I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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