I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
