now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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