woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
