What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
