I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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