Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize