Cold hands, warm shart.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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