You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
