i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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