New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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