I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
