You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize