The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
