I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So vagazzling was a success
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
