I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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