On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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