david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
