Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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