i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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