I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
