K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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