between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
