Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
