you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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