she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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