I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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